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  Above all, politeness is about maturity and consideration. To master this, you must keep in mind what is conventional and consider how you would feel if someone turned your actions back on you. If you do not like something done to you, perhaps avoid taking that action. Deferring to authority and maintaining an optimistic demeanor are also important parts of politeness. They indicate a willingness to work toward positive outcomes.

  This chapter covered the basics of effective communication. These skills are for when you are in doubt and need to go back to the roots to figure out a proper course of action. They apply in most situations and are good references in treating others and yourself. The next chapter will go into more depth about specific types of relationships—friends, parents, children, and romantic partners—to demonstrate appropriate boundaries and communication strategies depending on the circumstances.

  Chapter 8: Navigating Personal Relationships for Happiness and Harmony

  O ur most important relationships—with spouses, children, and family—are often the ones where we struggle the most. We are usually extremely close to these people, and we love them fiercely, but sometimes, our insecurities and biases get the best of us. Maybe we are overly accommodating or exceptionally stubborn. Sometimes, out of fear of angering these people, we silence ourselves. Maybe we take them for granted because we rely on the inherent closeness of these relationships to justify our actions.

  Communicating with spouses, family members, and children can be difficult sometimes, but these are the people with whom we want to perfect our communication. Ongoing deficits in this area can ultimately break down these relationships if allowed to fester. Learning how to communicate effectively in these relationships will give you peace of mind that you are as cooperative and loving as possible.

  How to Talk to Family and Spouses

  Every year, on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we see everyone we only see once a year. Sometimes, we are absolutely thrilled to see these people, and other times it fills us with dread. Maybe you eat dinner with your parents every weekend, and while you love them very much, you can feel your blood pressure skyrocket at the mere mention of certain topics.

  Communication within family and marriage is often difficult because some people, fearing that they will lose the approval of loved ones, avoid meaningful communication like when talking about a disease. Others, however, believe that having a familial tie entitles them to say whatever they please without regard to others’ feelings. Here are some helpful tips for communicating with family members and spouses to take the stress out of meals and holidays.

  When communicating with family and spouses, especially about difficult topics, remember that you love these people and want to remain in their good favor. Actively listen to them, do not dismiss their concerns, and make the choice to love them. In choosing to love someone, this means going out of your way to get flowers for a spouse every once in a while or offering to come over to a sick family member with soup and ginger ale. It may mean sacrificing your own comfort sometimes to accommodate your spouse or family. Never hesitate to show these people you love them.

  Another part of a happy and healthy communication is making time for your family and spouse. This basically means not to neglect them. When spouses and family feel ignored, they will often feel hurt, unloved, or inadequate. While you may not have intended to incite these feelings, they may arise if you are not attentive enough. Show up to family functions if possible, or schedule a date night with a spouse every now and then. Reassuring these people that you want to spend time with them will make them feel loved and secure about you.

  When addressing conflicts with a family member or a spouse, address the problem and not the person. This means addressing the specific thing a person does that may upset you without turning the discussion into bashing, character assassination, or ranting. Focusing on the issue and not on all the flaws of a person makes everyone feel more relaxed. You will not act on the worst in yourself, and your spouse or family member will have no reason to take your request for change as a personal attack. In these conversations, remind the person that you love them unconditionally, and explain to them that whatever he or she did was hurtful, inconvenient, neglectful, or whatever it is that has been on your mind. When attacking problems in a relationship, always keep in mind that you love your spouse and family and want only the best for them.

  With a spouse, intimacy is also important. If you think they have had a difficult week, do not hesitate to pamper him or her. Perhaps cooking a special dinner or initiating sexual intimacy would be a good idea. Showing your spouse affection and staying attuned to his or her needs is a way to prove your devotion continuously. Relationships, especially romantic ones, are like gardens; they need continuous care in order to flourish.

  Communicating With Your Children

  Your relationship with your child is possibly the most important one that he or she will ever have. As a parent or caretaker, you are this child’s frame of reference for right and wrong. Your child looks up to you to learn basic skills like cooking and cleaning and more complicated abilities such as love and connection. You are most likely the first shoulder your child will ever cry on. You are his or her first hug, first meal, and first love.

  Children learn attachment and love from their parents. It is no surprise that children who grow up with neglectful, abusive, or absent parents are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal activities and have tumultuous relationships in the future. In less extreme circumstances, however, children still learn love from parents. A parent who is consistent and emotionally available will foster security and confidence in a child. A parent who is inconsistent in their care or is emotionally unavailable may raise a child who is insecure or emotionally avoidant. Fostering a healthy communication style with your child will give them the best start possible in life.

  Ingredient 1: Teaching Your Child

  Your child learns a lot from you. The saying “the apple does not fall far from the tree” is often very true, not just because of genetics but also because of the habits parents teach their children. Children often grow up to cook the way their parents did, fold laundry the way their parents did, and even adopt similar speaking mannerisms.

  With that said, one of the most important ways to impart information to a child is to teach by example. Children absorb everything they see their parents do—even behavior that the parents believes being done inconspicuously. In teaching proper values to your child, leading by example is the first step. Keep your word when you make a promise to your child. Children learn from this example that reliability and trustworthiness are important and desirable. In addition, it will show your child that you care about his or her needs and that you prioritize them. Another way to teach through action is by volunteering to charitable causes or teaching your children to respect others. Be nice to servers at restaurants, avoid swearing or other angry outbursts, and avoid large fights with your spouse in front of children. When children see behavior such as yelling or rudeness, they internalize these behaviors as acceptable. When they see you, the parent, behaving with compassion and kindness, they will also internalize these values. Make sure your child is exposed to an environment with a kind and considerate adult so that he or she will come to understand that these are the best ways to be.

  Ingredient 2: Discipline

  Every parent’s biggest challenge is disciplining a child. It requires a fine balance, after all. Become too authoritarian, and the child will behave out of fear instead of understanding. Speak too freely, and a child will act with the assurance that he or she may act without impunity. Many parents are tempted to discipline their child using methods their parents used—methods which may have bordered on abuse or neglect. Most parents have an inkling that these practices are wrong and ineffective but cannot think of another way to discipline a child. This section is intended to demonstrate how to correct a child when he or she does wrong or behaves disobediently.

  One of th
e first principles of disciplining a child is consistency. When a child does wrong, it is important to call them out quickly and give an appropriate punishment immediately (if you believe the mistake deserves such consequences). Do not maintain a rule and ignore it at other times. Having rules that only apply sometimes will confuse a child and, frankly, make punishment unjustifiable. If the rules change constantly, the child has no reason to believe that those rules are important or that he or she will be punished. Consistency is a component of keeping your word to your child.

  Another important component of disciplining a child is giving an explanation. Punishing a child without explaining why in age-appropriate terms and without a demonstration of the proper way to behave will impart to less to your child. Or, it will simply make them afraid of punishment. Explaining to your child why he or she needs to take a different course of action or why they should be punished is part of imparting proper values. Make sure that your child knows that punishment is not simply an angry whim of yours, but rather an opportunity for them to learn a different and better way to behave.

  Of course, addressing a child’s misbehavior and misdeeds is important, but it will not have the desired effect if the child is acknowledged only when he or she slips up. Children raised in this manner often become attention seekers, acting out negatively simply for the attention of any kind. In addition to calling attention to a child’s mistakes, also acknowledge when he or she does well. If he or she puts toys away (with or without being asked), try saying something like, “Wow! Thank you so much! It is very nice of you to put your toys away, so we can have a clean, beautiful home.” Here, the child is praised for doing well, and the importance of his or her actions is explained. By giving praise for good behavior and punishing bad behavior, the child will learn which actions to avoid and choose to do better ones.

  Another tool at your disposal is the notorious time out. Time outs are an appropriate disciplinary action when a child has broken a specific rule that he or she knows was already in place. To implement this, warn a child that the behavior will earn them a time out. If they do the behavior, explain to them in a few words that he or she will need to take time and express this with as little emotion as possible. The time out should be about as long as the child’s age in minutes (so a six-minute time out for a six-year-old, for example). Tell the child, “You will be in time out; you can come back when you are ready to control yourself and behave.” Time outs teach a child to regulate his or her emotions, control behavior, and engage in self-reflection.

  Ingredient 3: Love

  Showing affection to your child is the most important thing you can do for them. As a parent, you are your child’s first source of love and safety. Honor this relationship by spending quality time with him or her and nurturing your special bond.

  One way to show love to your child is to surprise them with some special treats and experiences every now and then. Maybe pick up your child from school, and take him or her out for ice cream. Go to the beach sometimes or on another little adventure. Engaging in some fun leisure activities with your child is a little bit like going on a date or making a new friend; it shows you can relax sometimes and that you genuinely enjoy spending time with your child.

  Another way to show your child affection is through your physical presence. If your child is tired, cuddle him or her on the couch until they fall asleep. Hold them and let them sit on your lap when they feel like it. Be gratuitous and without reservation when showing your child physical affection. Children need the reassurance of their parents’ physical affection from the time they are born. Babies in orphanages, many of whom are held about once or twice a day at the most, often grow up with severe attachment issues and psychological disorders. Showing a child physical affection will make them feel loved, secure, and relaxed.

  Most importantly, tell your child that you love him or her every day. Do this without any requirements. Saying “I love you” is not a reward for good behavior. It as an affirmation that your child needs to hear regularly. Feeling your unconditional love securely and without any requirements is important to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Say “I love you” after punishing your child to remind them that your discipline does not come from a dark place. Children who are emotionally neglected often grow up to become insecure adults who have difficulties relating to others. Do what you can to ensure your child does not turn out this way.

  No matter where you work or how much you socialize, communication is innately human behavior. Communication works no matter the culture you were raised in and the values you were brought up with. It is a universal part of the human experience. From birth until death, no one survives without engaging with other people. Even those who are deaf or unable to speak can communicate; it is so necessary that human beings find a way to do it no matter what. Knowing the thought processes behind your own choices and the choices of others, along with tips on honesty and self-respect, can revitalize relationships and open you up to all the love that this world has to offer. Without healthy communication, people often find themselves feeling empty and hopeless or becoming involved with unsavory characters. Those who cannot communicate effectively often find themselves speaking out of impulse, hurting others, or allowing themselves to be hurt repeatedly. Reading this book can help you prevent these traps by imparting some wisdom on how to honor your heart and respect your own wishes.