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Once you understand your own feelings inside yourself, you are exponentially more likely to have a positive interpersonal or small-group verbal interaction. By being honest with yourself, you will be more likely to convey your feelings accurately to others in a respectful, direct manner. While this may sound daunting, it is ultimately in all parties’ best interest. While you may not be able to control others’ level of directness, you can control your own. You will be more satisfied and at ease knowing you left a conversation where you hid nothing and did not compromise your values.
Another important part of verbal communication is consideration for others. In verbal communications, avoid playing blame games and being overly critical of others. Listen to what others have to say, and use the “I” voice—not only is it respectful to speak only for yourself, but it also avoids putting the opposing party on the defensive end of your words.
In general, the key to successful communication is honesty, directness, and respect. By using those three guidelines in verbal communication of any kind, your interactions will be healthier and less stressful. You will walk away from interactions with the knowledge that you did your best to do right by others and yourself.
Chapter 2: Nonverbal and Interpersonal Communication
N onverbal communication is a type of communication that does not include words. It can be facial expressions, body language, eye contact, and many other cues that convey a message. Nonverbal communication is a special piece of human interaction because, despite the fact that it cannot articulate specific information, it has immense power to enhance or betray a message conveyed verbally.
For example, someone may tell you they appreciate your criticism, yet they will cross their arms while doing so. This would suggest that they are, in fact, a little bit defensive or hurt by your words. Another situation where nonverbal communication plays a huge role is in attraction and dating. On the first date, someone may express their attraction by placing a hand on the forearm of their date or leaning in close. Saying, “I am attracted to you” is unnecessary—a nonverbal communication often suffices for expressing attraction in this case.
Nonverbal communication is, by far, older than human communication and exists in many animals as well. For example, a cat arching its back and standing on its tiptoes is a warning signal to other animals because it makes the cat look larger and ready to pounce. A dog may wag its tail to express happiness, and a bird may perform a mating dance to attract a mate. All of these animals do engage in vocal communication, yet they often do not require it.
The history of nonverbal communication started in the 1800s with Charles Darwin, who believed human beings almost always give something away about themselves through nonverbal communication. Darwin argued that, as direct descendants of animals, human beings are inclined to engage in nonverbal communication. Some of the most extreme examples of emotion are actually expressed nonverbally, from jumping for joy or hitting someone out of intense rage. The main message of nonverbal communication is often intimacy and emotion. We are often unaware of our own body language and unable to control it one hundred percent of the time. However, we can take steps to convey a message to others and know the signs to watch out for in order to read people better.
Communicating a Message to Others
In societies all over the world, human beings lead with their appearance. It is called a first impression, and it is actually an extremely basic and important component of nonverbal communication. While they may be deceiving, mastering your first impression will help you convey the desired message to others and feel confident in the image you project.
Fashion and style are one of the most versatile ways to express a nonverbal message to the world. Fashion and clothing can be used to denote group membership, such as a religious garb or uniform, but can also send other cues. For example, in 1980s New York, punks work black leather and enormous hairstyle to identify themselves with other punks. By looking at a New York City punk, it was possible to make a good guess about the places they frequented and the music they listened to. In a similar vein, clothing choices can send a message about the occasion. If a man shows up to a date wearing khaki pants and a button-down shirt while his date arrives in jeans and a t-shirt, it means they communicated different levels of importance of the date. The man expresses that he believes the occasion is semi-formal and is possibly of importance to him, while the woman shows her casual attitude and laid-back feelings about the date.
Knowing that humans lead with their fashion choices to express personality and values, it is important to choose your own according to your values. Dress for the importance you assign to the occasion. If you want to express an artsy, fun way of expressing yourself, shop accordingly. Maybe you want to express a tough, intimidating personality, so darker colors and leather would suit you. Dress to express yourself—your individuality will be evident to others, and it is a way to be honest with others without saying a word.
Once the first impression is out of the way, conveying a message specific to your audience—whether it is one person, a small group, or a crowd—is in order. To convey an air of friendliness, avoid slouching your shoulders. Sitting with proper posture will show others that you are confident and friendly. In addition, avoid excessive fidgeting or frequently looking at a clock. These gestures would suggest disinterest and boredom, which are not only rude to express openly but may also compromise your chances of impressing a possible employer or a new friend.
Another important part of nonverbal communication is showing emotional attunement to others. When conversing with others, be sure to make eye contact frequently. This shows another person that you are engaged and present. However, avoid continuous eye contact, as this may come off as unnatural or imposing to others. In addition, nod to show understanding and interest. Others always appreciate feeling as though they are being heard and considered in a conversation, and doing your part to help them feel this way will go great lengths to show you are an empathetic, considerate person. Also, use open body language to show you are receptive and friendly toward the person speaking. Sit back with your shoulders relaxed and avoid closing off your body (with gestures such as crossing the arms) to indicate warmth and openness.
In general, remember that nonverbal communication is a relatively intuitive skill that depends on empathy, emotion, and consideration. Respect others’ boundaries in professional and social settings. If someone expresses sexual or intimate interest, though, feel free to test the water and move closer. Attempt to show empathy with others through nonverbal means, such as eye contact and physical gestures. People love knowing that the person they are speaking with shares their emotions and understands their message.
Reading Others’ Nonverbal Messages
Now that you know how to convey your intentions and feelings, it is appropriate to learn how to interpret similar messages from others. This section will focus mostly on body language, as this can be one of the most difficult cues to read in other people.
One of the first interactions a person can have with another is eye contact. Before saying a word or shaking hands, people introduce themselves with their eyes. An involuntary signal a person sends is pupil dilation. When a human looks at something he or she likes, the pupils dilate in response. This can signal attraction or affection, but it may also mean that someone is just happy to see you. Either way, pupil dilation is a good sign that the person you speak to is pleased to meet you or be in your presence.
A more bilateral nonverbal cue from the eyes is eye contact. Eye contact conventions vary greatly, depending on the region of the world, but in Western culture, a few common principles hold in most situations. As stated previously, eye contact is normally regular but not completely continuous. In other words, the Western standard is to look someone in the eye when they speak and take frequent breaks from eye contact. This is standard operating procedure and politeness.
Deviations from this norm, however, usually signal positive or negative feelings some
one may have about the person they are speaking to. If someone avoids eye contact, this can mean many things. For example, if someone avoids eye contact when answering a question that requires a lot of thinking, fear not. This may simply mean that the question is difficult to answer, and maintaining eye contact may disrupt a train of thought because eye contact is actually a pretty taxing activity when trying to solve a problem or think deeply. If someone avoids eye contact throughout a conversation; however, it means the conversation may not be going so well. If someone avoids eye contact almost completely, they may be shy or uncomfortable in your presence, and they may be attempting to minimize intimacy of any kind (platonic or romantic). Avoiding eye contact may also be a sign that someone is lying. A person being dishonest may unconsciously avoid eye contact out of shame and guilt. Once again, this is to minimize intimacy. It may be difficult to tell a coherent, consistent untruth while simultaneously maintaining any degree of intimacy at the same time. Avoiding eye contact minimizes the amount of energy and emotional distress the liar may feel while they do not speak the truth. On a date, avoiding eye contact may mean that a person is disinterested, and their mind is wandering.
Making eye contact can also carry many messages, depending on how it is carried out. With respect to attraction, there are many messages that eye contact can mean. If someone blinks six to ten times per minute while speaking, he or she may be attracted to you. Another nonverbal message of attraction from the eyes occurs in a more exaggerated form of the norm, which is looking at the eyes during a conversation and then looking away. If someone is attracted to you, they may maintain eye contact for about three seconds at a time, which is longer than eye contact usually, is, and then look away. They will do this repeatedly. So, if you see someone pulling this move from across the bar, it may be a good idea to approach them and make some conversation if you like them.
Eye contact that is too sustained often carries negative connotations; not all eye contact is necessarily positive. If someone maintains un breaking and consistent eye contact, they may not be so trustworthy. They may be making too much eye contact because they are lying. In general, eye contact with a liar may not veer extremely far from what is considered typical, but it will generally feel unnatural or forced. A person making such an excessive amount of eye contact may be hyperaware of the message he or she is sending and want to control its reception as much as possible. Unbreaking eye contact is also often fairly threatening. In an intimate situation, it can signal desire; otherwise, it signals aggression. This principle also applies to animals, which explains why many animal attacks often occur after someone has looked directly in the eye of the animal for a sustained period of time. The animal feels like prey and attacks the offender as a result.
The eyes are not the only window to the soul, however. The rest of a person’s body can powerfully communicate messages. The smile can communicate two messages. If a smile is genuine, it will practically take up a person’s whole face—the eyes will crinkle a bit, and the eyebrows will be slightly raised. A fake smile, however, will only engage the person’s mouth—the only part of their face smiling will be the lips, and the rest of the face will remain unengaged. Aside from smiling, the mouth can offer other cues. If someone keeps the mouth tight-lipped or pursed, he or she may be hiding something or trying to hide dissatisfaction. He or she is literally trying to keep the mouth shut not to reveal any information. In general, fidgeting with the mouth may also be a sign of attraction. Ever seen someone repeatedly lick their lips or begin sucking on the back of a pen? They may be experiencing some lust, perhaps imagining a kiss, and they unconsciously act out what they wish they were doing.
Taking a closer look at the rest of the body, you will learn that the torso, arms, legs, and proximity are also able to transmit nonverbal cues. In general, close proximity is a sign of attraction or comfort. If someone leans in close to speak to you, they may be interested in increasing intimacy, or they may be acting on the existing closeness of the relationship. In general, if someone is sitting closer than usual, there as a good chance that they enjoy your company. A hug can also be an indicator of proximity. In an A-frame hug, where the shoulders touch mostly and all the physical contact is restrained to the participants’ upper bodies, at least one person is signaling that the interaction is platonic or non-sexual. If a hug includes legs and pelvises pressed together, lust is in the air! Pressing the lower portions of the body together communicates lust and attraction.
The arms and legs also say quite a bit. If someone closes off the body using arms and legs, such as by crossing the legs away from you or folding the arms in front of the chest, he or she may be creating a barrier between you. This could indicate some hostility or suspicion, but it may also be a sign of shyness or fear. This person is unconsciously attempting to protect the torso, which holds all the vital organs. As humans, we still operate on a fundamentally animal level. While a social threat is usually not physically perilous, the brain wants us to protect ourselves as though it were, hence the closing off of the torso and inward curling of the body.
On the flip side, opening up the limbs to expose the torso is a good sign. If someone is leaning back, spreading their legs, or has their palms or inner arms facing you, it means that the conversation is going well. By exposing the torso, the person is demonstrating trust and safety around you. Exposing vulnerable parts of the body signals receptiveness and friendliness. In particular, the spreading of the legs can also signal attraction. When someone spreads their legs, he or she is literally displaying what is between their legs, trying to draw attention to the sex organs. At the very least, an open body posture with the torso unblocked by the arms or legs is a sign that a conversation is going well and that the person is open and feeling safe and secure.
Nonverbal communication is one of the most honest ways human beings can share information. Whether intentional or not, human beings wear their hearts on their sleeves. Nonverbal communication comes from a primal place inside humans and denotes important, fundamental information. Whether the status and culture are expressed through clothing or mood and attraction through body posture, the proof is in the pudding—nonverbal communication is one of the most useful aspects to seek someone’s truth.
Chapter 3: Written Communication
T he written word is one of mankind’s greatest achievements—without it, the studies of philosophy, engineering, mathematics, history would be practically impossible. Before widespread literacy, stories and information were shared orally, which means that people were limited to verbal communication to transmit abstract ideas and complex information. As writing has become more sophisticated throughout human history, so have ideas and schools of thoughts.
Today, some of our most important messages are through written communication. Contract, for example, is legally binding written agreements between people. Record-keeping is also a function of verbal communication. It allows the storage of materials and accounts of history, dissemination of vast quantities of knowledge, and preservation of important information. More commonly, though, written communication simply facilitates keeping in touch with friends and family. Throughout the day, we send text messages to friends and family to make plans or check out on them or email our bosses about deadlines, projects, and shifts.
Written communication is any type of communication that makes use of the written word. This can include letters, email, text message, social media commenting, memos, reports, and a myriad of other means. The basic idea of written communication is to encode information into letters and words preserved on paper or electronically.
Written communications provide many advantages. First of all, they are efficient. Written communication does not require that two parties be present in the same place at the same time in order to share information. In addition, written communication allows a message to be transmitted, but it does not require that the receiver of the message be receptive at the exact moment when the communication is made. While a phone call requires that
someone answer their phone to speak to the communicator, written communication simply requires that the intended recipient of a message have access to the information and can process it when it is possible or convenient. In other words, written communication does not require scheduling in order to function properly. Written communication allows information to reach many people at once, such as in an email addressed to multiple recipients or a database that is available on the internet. Legally speaking, written communication is of great use. In case of a disagreement, a party can refer to a written contract as evidence of what they are owed. Emails, text messages, and letters have been used as evidence in countless criminal trials to prove innocence and guilt. Written communication is the best form of record keeping that we have.
Written communication does have drawbacks, though. First of all, it may not be immediate. If someone sends an email, the recipient may not see the email or simply choose not to respond. There is often a little guarantee of response in written communication. Written communication may also not be ideal if the information contained is sensitive or emotionally charged. In addition, written communication is not suitable for delivering bad news or communicating an argument. Because written messages cannot transmit nonverbal cues, it can be difficult to discern a person’s emotions and intentions when a written message is received. Keep in mind that written communication can be a double-edged sword. The rest of this chapter will discuss how to send messages in writing in a healthy, positive manner.
The Basics of Healthy Written Communication
Being able to engage in written communication is a skill useful in any field or any interpersonal relationship. In written communication, wording and grammar can obscure meaning, and the lack of nonverbal cues can obscure a message or hurt feelings. Therefore, knowing how to properly convey ideas using the written word to get the point across effectively and politely is an extremely important skill in today’s world.